What To Do With Fan Girls?
by FlyingFish15
Summary: What would happen if Kroenen met his fan girls. Hilarity ensues. Most likely one shot.


**What to do with fan girls?**

Disclaimer: Sadly, I don't own Hellboy or any other characters.

Authors Note: In the process of writing my other fanfic, A Shadow To A Heart, a bunch of funny things started accumulating that had no place in my fanfic because my story isn't exactly supposed to be humorous. And then, thanks to DarkCloudRider, I got to thinking what _really_ would happen if Kroenen met his fan girls. And anyway, I thought it was time for some humor at Kroenen's expense. That plus eating lots of stale marshmallow peeps (My favorite!) resulted in this fanfic. I tried to keep Kroenen in character as much as I could, I'll just pray that I succeeded. Note: In here, Kroenen can talk despite his severe lack in the lip department. Please Review!

One day, Kroenen was in his lair below the subway systems, completely minding his own business. And that meant he was doing the usual: sharpening his swords, suturing cuts he got from said swords, tinkering with clocks, and generally improving his plans to help Grigory destroy the world.

_Ah, peace and quiet, _he thought, as he took apart another clock.

Little did he know that his peace was about to be interrupted.

The sound of footsteps came from the passage outside his lair, and Kroenen grabbed one of his swords, grinning cruelly—and liplessly — behind his mask. _One would think that with all the repairman that have 'disappeared' down here, that they'd stop coming, _he thought, as he hid in the shadows near the door, preparing to kill whoever walked through it.

To his surprise, a teenage girl walked through the door. He was so surprised, in fact, that he didn't kill her on sight like was usual for him. The girl looked really lost, which wasn't surprising, considering what a maze it was down here. She looked around curiously, and then her face lit up.

"Wow! I'm here! I'm actually here!" she shouted gleefully, doing a little happy dance.

Kroenen decided what she said meant she had been looking for him— which meant she was going to die. Not like he wasn't going to kill her to begin with. _I do have to wonder, though, if she was looking for me, why she would be making such and infernal racket!_

He stepped out of the shadows and walked towards her, swords ready to strike. She turned and saw him.

"Krrrrooooeeeennnnennnnnn!" she said happily, running towards him.

With one sword slash, it was over. She collapsed, still grinning, and still very dead, on the floor.

"That was too easy," he said, "Foolish girl! Ran right towards me!"

He picked her up and put her in a corner. He'd get rid of the—strangely grinning — body later. For now, he wanted to finish taking apart his clock.

He had just sat down and picked up his tools, when _more_ footsteps came from outside his lair.

_Two in one day? How unusual,_ he thought, picking up his swords again.

It was another teenage girl, but shorter than the last one. The same thing happened as last time, she ran right towards him. He put the second girl's body with the first. This happened _four_ _more times_. When the seventh girl appeared, shrieking delightedly when he appeared, instead of killing her, he seized her arms.

"What are you _doing_ down here!" he hissed, genuinely irritated.

"I'm a fan girl," she said proudly, as if that explained it.

"And what, pray tell, is a fan girl?"

"In this case, a female totally obsessed with a fictional character. And for me, that's you!"

"You mean you people actually _like_ me?" Kroenen said with disbelief, so surprised that he nearly let go of her.

"You betcha!"

He glanced forlornly at the pile of dead fan girls in the corner. "How unfortunate that I killed the others. Oh well, at least I can use them for spare parts."

"You mean you're going to let me stay?" the teenage girl squealed happily, "Yay! I want to spend the rest of my life with you!"

"You do?" he asked, feeling shocked. He was still trying to adjust to this 'being liked' thing.

"Of course I do! You're so cute!"

And with that, the girl got her wish. She _did_ get to spend the rest of her life with him— all 2.5 remaining seconds of it.

He added her to the pile of former fan girls.

"Cute? I am _not_ cute!" he muttered angrily. "Nothing about me is remotely cute!"

He sat down at his desk and waited for someone else to show up. After several minutes, when no one did, he took off his left hand, and began making adjustments to some of the gears.

THUD!

"I moved down here to get _away_ from everybody!" he ranted under his breath as he stood up to investigate the noise, "Can't a man get a little peace and quiet!"

He stalked out of his lair. Nobody was there.

_It was probably a sewer rat. I swear, those things get as big as cats!_, he thought, as he walked back into his lair. He was met with a shock. Two more fan girls had materialized next to his desk. One was holding his mechanical hand, the other was experimentally prodding one of his masks.

"What are you doing? Don't touch that!" he shouted.

"It's Kroenen! Isn't he so sweet!" shouted one.

"I love you!" yelled the other one.

Those girl's remaining lives were even shorter than the one before them, despite the fact he could only use one hand. The girls survived about 1 second.

"What do they think I am? A fluffy bunny rabbit? Do I _look_ like I'm trying to be cute? No!" he fumed, adding the two girls to the growing pile, "And I have never heard of anyone loving me! _I_ even think that's disgusting! What's _wrong_ with these people?"

Suddenly, he got a wonderful idea. Putting his left hand back on, he walked out of his lair and over to where the sammaels normally hung out. But there were none in sight.

"Where's a sammael when you need one?" he muttered, looking around.

A sammael dropped from the ceiling and stood in front of him, slobbering all over everything.

"You're perfect!" he said, "Come with me, I need you to guard my lair from fan girls."

Once the sammael was stationed by his door, Kroenen sighed happily. Surely no one would disturb him now!

But he was wrong.

A girl, _reeking_ of flowery perfume, appeared in the doorway and saw the sammael.

"Awwwwwww! Kroenen, what a cute pet! I just want to hug him!" she squealed.

And she dashed over and hugged the sammael. It was the last thing she ever did, the sammael ate her in one gulp.

_My plan works!_ Kroenen thought, observing the notable lack of fan girls.

Just as he was sitting down again, several fan girls appeared.

"Get them!" he ordered the sammael.

But the sammael was fast asleep, digesting his most recent, and flowery smelling meal. Kroenen snarled, exasperated. He picked up his swords and stalked towards the fan girls, who were belatedly noticing the fate that had befallen the fan girls before them.

Just then, Grigory stepped out of the shadows.

"Stop killing your fan girls." Grigory ordered, "I'm very low on loyal followers. If you haven't noticed, you and Ilsa are the only ones left. But with all of your fan girls that keep showing up, we'll soon have an army!"

Kroenen observed the gaggle of teenage girls standing in front of him. They certainly didn't look like an army to him.

Just then, Hellboy and Abe appeared in the doorway. It was difficult to tell who was the most shocked, Hellboy and Abe, Kroenen and Grigory, or the fan girls. Well, at least the fan girls that were still alive looked shocked, the ones in the pile were kind of dead looking and incapable of looking shocked.

The shocked silence was broken by ear splitting cries of delight from the fan girls.

"Aaaaaabbbbbbbbbbe!" some fan girls squealed.

"Helllllllbbbbbbboyyyyy!" the others shrieked.

"Crap," said Hellboy.

"Oh dear," said Abe.

And then, en masse, the fan girls charged.

"Aaaaaaah!" yelled Hellboy and Abe as they fled the scene and tried in vain to lose the fan girls among the tunnels.

The fan girl's delighted cries faded into the distance. All was silent.

"So much for the army," said Grigory, who then dejectedly disappeared into the shadows.

Kroenen was alone in his lair at last. Well, if you didn't count the pile of former fan girls, he was alone. And, mercifully, it was silent. He walked over to his desk and sat in his chair.

"Ah, peace and quiet at last," Kroenen said, leaning back in his chair. He almost felt sorry for Abe and Hellboy— almost.

Author's Note: I hope you enjoyed this. And no, I'm not bashing Kroenen fans. I happen to be _completely_ obsessed with the _entire_ movie, and especially Abe. So I'm a fan girl too and I just thought it would be funny to write this. Please Review!


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